What If Wednesday is a feature dedicated to answering questions from Piccadilly’s 3000 What if Questions. Filled with both “absurd and realistic” questions, these are meant to inspire thought as well as act as a writing prompt.

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What if you were bitten by something radioactive…

How would you start changing?

We are 2 for 2 on the weird questions with little to no context.

After many questions, all of which I knew I would get no answer for, I finally decide to focus more on my answer than the absurdity of the question.

Firstly, while I would like to say I would be bitten by something cool, it would probably be something basic, most likely a dog or a cat. I almost said something along the lines of a raccoon, opossum, squirrel, or even a bird. However, I never truly put myself in a situation to be “bitten” by any of those things. Since I am constantly working with rescues and strays, it would most likely be the animals I stop my commutes for.

But can you imagine how cool (read: horrifying) it would be to start randomly changing into bird? Just going about your day, then boom! tails feathers when you go to the bathroom…

As with every animal, I wondered if the changes would be skin deep only, like Peter Parker. Or would they take on more structural changes, like with the Hulk?

If I was bitten by dog, would my senses of smell and hearing strengthen? Both are atrocious so I would notice if they didn’t…well suck anymore. Would I have more difficulty telling time? Would I run faster? On that note, would I age faster?

What about a cat. Would I always land on my feet? Could I jump farther and be more limber, able to squeeze anywhere I could fit my head through? Would I also be filled with the devil’s mischief and be attracted to crinkly and shiny things? Oh wait…that one’s already true.

With Peter Parker, one way he could tell he was changing due to his eyesight becoming better and not needing his glasses. As I am already nearsighted, neither cats nor dogs would benefit me on that front. I already have hirsutism, so I can’t guarantee that I would notice if my hair suddenly became thicker or more furlike. I also constantly walk around barefooted and have multiple scars to my hands, so I don’t if I would feel the palms and soles become more paw-like. I would, however, notice if my nails hardened. My nails are known to split then shred so if they suddenly stopped, I would definitely be aware.

But let’s actually answer the question.

I would most assuredly be bitten by a stray dog I would try and rescue. After treating the bite and resting, I would awake to some sounds of the neighborhood. Initially, I would think it just outside my house, until, after following the sounds, come to realize they’re coming from 5 blocks over near the church. After running home at record speed, I would then take note of my lack of both shoes and discomfort from running on said uncovered feet. At this point, I would begin to pick up on other heightened sense such as my nose picking out a piece of candy stuck beneath a piece of furniture or how aware of my body hair I suddenly am.

My favorite new ability would be to tell when others were sick. As a medical worker and spouse to someone with an autoimmune disorder, this would come in handy every day. I would use this to not only be proactive, but do everything in my ability to cheer them up.